Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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