I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
