So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
