I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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