I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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