Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize