I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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