i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
