Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
