I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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