worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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