i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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