Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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