Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
