textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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