or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
