I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
