i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
