I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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