My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize