You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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