I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
