I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
