Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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