now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
