Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
