booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
