he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
