I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
