I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize