I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
