remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
