people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
