Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
