apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
