I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
