Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
