Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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