Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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