I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize