Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
