I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i dont even know how to be here
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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