Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
