Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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