At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
