i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
