I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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