woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
They are going to name an STD after you.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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