friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
