Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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