im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
