I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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