spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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