you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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