how can u be prego again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
