just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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