seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
